Amidst the Chaos
Amidst all the chaos and stress and sadness and upset that is surfacing in my life right now, there are some people out there who may not be perfect, but they have made me smile today.
Thank you for making me smile. I know you would never read this, but I need to say thank you all the same. I feel a little more safe, a little more relaxed, and a little more empowered because of your kind words and actions.
I was in crisis yesterday. I began to cut at the undersides of my wrists with razor blades. I have always promised myself I would never do this. But the compulsion was overwhelming. I didn’t even realize how far I had gone on my wrist until several minutes in. The cuts were not very long or deep, but I counted about a hundered knicks.
I called my therapist scared and hyperventilating because I was so frightened of what I might do. As usual, her words helped. First I asked her if it’s okay for me to call her like this even though I’m only seeing her once a month. This is the second time I’ve called her since our last session, and somehow I felt like there was an unspoken rule that said “you can only call as many times as you have had a session.” But that wasn’t the case. She said it was fine.
She helped me through some grounding exercises and breathing. She didn’t brush aside the cutting, but assured me that it’s natural for me to try to distract from the stress in that way, since it is a habit now for me.
I’m just trying to push along, slowly. I admit the cutting is really starting to scare me. I don’t know what to do. My therapist has recommended going inpatient somewhere. But how could I do that? I can’t just take off work like that. No, it’s going to take something very bad to happen before I snap out of all this and realize that cutting is dangerous stuff.