Good Grief, Mood Swings, and Thankful
I know it is good to allow yourself to grieve but…how long is too long? And how much is too much? These are just questions I ask myself from time to time…why don’t others understand that the loss is so massive?
Yesterday I lay in bed and cried on and off from about 8:00am to noon. I called my therapist. I called my Dad.
Tawny was helpful but, I suppose if I had been more honest about what I was feeling at the time, her words might have had more meaning. I only told her the half of it. After calling my Dad I cried for so long. He was at work and didn’t have time to talk much.
I cut a lot yesterday. I cut in the bathroom at work every chance I got.
And then, poof. The feelings were gone. During the last two hours of my 10 hour shift, I was calm and not feeling like a zombie. I was even happy. I’m still pretty happy, listening to 80s music and super excited to get my bike back from the shop this afternoon! Let’s face it…my roommate’s diamondback mountainbike is no Dawes Roadie…
I feel the need to be honest somewhere about this. I haven’t told anyone but my sister, and I feel ashamed for what I’m about to write. I have been so financially out of it lately(therapy hurt me with money a lot) I have been going to the food shelf. Will be going in a few minutes. I wish I didn’t have to do this. But all my money right now goes towards my rent and bills. I don’t even have a car and paying off my credit cards and student loan debt is killing me.
I grew up in poverty,homelessness, foodstamps, foodshelves and the like, so I don’t know why I’m not surprised. It’s a big source of shame for me right now, though. I hope this is shortlived. I may be getting a raise soon at work though, so that would be nice. 9 bucks an hour isn’t much but it’s way better than what I’ve got now. I’m thankful my manager is pushing so hard to get the 75 cent raise to $9 approved.